My god I feel like my brain is being raped. Maybe I need to hibernate or something. 

 Our bar won last night even though we were against apparantly one of the best people at closes ever. GET IN. A few amusing moments amongst all the usual fuckery--drunk women not being able to find her way back downstairs flailing about with her ams wide out in front of her like this D: in a panic. I laughed quite a lot before I decided to help. This old dude getting all RAWR about the 45 min wait on food and telling Simon "I WANT MY DINNNARRR!" like all FEE FIE FOE FUM and that he'll punch him in the face if he doesn't "Do something about it."

That's the annoying thing. The people in the kitchen can be rude aresholes to us on the phone cause they're so STRESSED but they don't have to actually deal with the alcy wankers. 

Someone being all saractic about the way I poured their Guiness. We don't HAVE to wait for it to settle cause it comes out of the tap really slowly. He was all "Have you ever been to Ireland?" I felt like saying "WELL YOU'RE PERFECTLY WELCOME TO FUCK OFF THERE THEN." It's a fucking Wetherspoons in SCARBOROUGH, what do you expect? I aint being told how to pur fucking beer. I don't get paid enough for that shit. 

Anyway. One last moan and then I'll honestly shut the fuck up. My sister works at Spoons too, which is nice and everything but she's turned into this patronising shit faced bitch. Tries to tell me what to do and is really actually sometimes quite horrible to me. "Oh my God Emma what are you doing? and if I do something a bit dizty I'm suddenly such a fucking idiot it's embarrassing. Well thanks a lot! o.0

I cut my own fringe yesterday, it's fine. It's straight, no one said anything about it, she noticed and at first was all. "Have you had your hair cut Emma!" XDDDD all happy. And when I told I did it. It was "You idiot it looks shit."

>_< Isn't this meant to happen the other way round? After I went around telling people how much I respect her and how ace I think she is and stuck up for her when that lad was being a dick. Whatever. 

My and my brother went for a walk today and laughed over My Fair Lady and the boosh and stuff, and how shit Thomas the Tank's new theme tune is and how all kids shows are crap now. 

 I'm crashing. I've not exactly hit rock bottom yet but it's getting there. I'm tired and drained and I'm so anti-social I can't even talk to people I really like. I'm paranoid, it's like everyone around me is now moving ten times faster than me, which is the oposite to how I felt a few weeks ago.  I feel like this stumbling awkward rhino trying to pretend to be a human. I'm so sensitive that even loud noises provoke iritation and I've got massive headaches. 

And everything seems to be a confirmation that I'm useless and not right and need to be put down. It's really not good cause I'm not doing things that need done, and on the rare hours I have off from work I shut myself in my room and lie down for hours and hours staring at the cealing. 

I don't know what to do. I can't even complain cause I don't feel it's important. It feels a bit like dying but still breathing ans stumbling on even though it hurts like crazy and there's no relief. 

I've got to be a work in two hours. And I do get on with people, there's a really nice couple that work there, and they're both moving to London soon so we'll probably get a tranfer together. Eddie, always insists that I'm kept on her bar because I make her laugh and if anyone annoys me she gets really defensive for me, like when her boyfriend shouted at me cause he was stressed but then apologised to me, because "If you're Eddie's mate then you must be alright, sorry for mistaking you for one of the wankers" which is really sweet and I'm really made up about it cause I love making friends but I don't feel like it's earned. Like, I've tricked her or something. 

I always feel like that with my friends.

Or maybe everyone does see me as a pile of crap. I dunno. It's really hard trying to seperate reality with paranoia right now. 

I dunno, obviously I want people to like me that's all I ever want but there's this part of me that wants them to scream at me that I'm utterly unlovable because at least then there would be a justification or at least a confirmation to how I already feel about myself. 

None of this even makes sense I'm rambling on. 

 I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY BANNED SPICE!  I'M FUCKING ANNNNGGRRRY!

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/article6792687.ece

Seriously, what am I going to do when everyone is dry and I can't get no weed? Can I go an buy a herbal leagal equivalent? No. Cause the fucking government are fuck wits. That's why, and yes it is styrong. But is anyone particularly dangerous when they're mashed? No. It's when they have some fucking booze that people turn in to nob ends, but that dulls your senses down so you can't think! >_<

So now they've gone and created another thing that gets pushed around by dealers and gets people shot.

DOES THIS WORLD MAKE ANY SENSE TO YOU?

I know I sound like a fucking druggie but I  hardly ever drink. This has happened at the worst time ever cause I was going to order some today to take my mind off the rubbish and wrong pay I just got. It was a little secret that we had. AND NOW IT'S FUCKED.

Sigh's. 

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NkoJwQCopDM&eurl=http://lj-toys.com/%3Fjournalid%3D20544234%26moduleid%3D5%26preview%3D%26auth_token%3Dsessionless:1250020800:embedcontent:20544234%25265%2526:65ddcb&feature=player_embedded




Edit: After reading the comments to this video I realise again why I left the fandom.

1. Don't let them make you fucking cry, punch them in the face and then you won't be angry and pathetic when you grow up you stupid slag!

2. Stop fucking Lewis, he doesn't give a shit about you and never will do and every time you see him you'll get this burning anger and shame for treating yourself so appaulingly by having just let him all the time. 

3. You're never going to be as thin as her. So stop trying to. 

4. Talk to Mum. Do it now or it'll be too late.

5. Keep your fucking hand over your drink and buy your own!

6. It is never cool to double drop,

7. Don't let people think they're better than you. 

8. Get the fuck out of your room and stop moaning. Put the light on.

9. The Placebo obession is getting creepy. People are concerned XD

10. You will always be a bit crazy. Go with it.


I didn't manage to entirely bum myself out with that one.  Some of this advice still needs to be applied. 

 Me and my sister have just screamed the house down at each other. It all resulted in her telling me to "Go fuck myself." And I started crying and she walked over all :O?

And then we made friends. I'm so fucking sensitive right now. We're both stressed cause we've been working near on 14 hours a day on and off, sometimes together at the same pub in the evenings. I don't mind working with my sister, so long as all the perverted nob end boys there stop making fucking comments cause I'll rip their balls off. No one goes near my sister. My sister is going to get married to this amazing bloke who'll want to go traveling and is making lots of money.  She's a div though, not in a vacant way -she's dead sharp. But in a little Mrs I'm Totally Perfect Way. 

She's got one shirt from her job at Costa Coffee and between us both there isn't a lot of time to get it washed in time. I forgot D: I honestly did, it wasn't "I just can't be arsed" I just forgot. DAMN IT. It's not going to be dry for tomorrow now so I'm going to sit and blow dry it with my hair dryer. 

She owes me five quid, I'm running out of cigs as well. 

I've not slept properly for five days and today I had a massive urge to tell someone to get some fucking slad on their sandwich and stop being such a fucking slob D: THAT'S HORRID. She had a daughter what was called Tabarrabella or something. >_<  And she wonders why she was such a little brat. 

Only good thing about today was my boss slipping on the soapy floor because I put too much in the bucket on purpose, and banging his chin. That'll pay him back for making me wear his stuoid old hat that split at the back cause of his massive head. It kept slipping down all day I wanted to scream.

I'm thinking it would be funny if when serving I'd just randomly lick across it before it was wrapped and not say anything. I'd love to see the customers mortified face staring back at me in total disbelief. I'd get a real buz out of that. BUUUUT I can't, cause I need my job.

It looks like a man in a robe with his hands raised up, like he's saying wtf? of praying or something and the two symmetrical on either side of him are wings or a leaf that he's trapped in.

Yeah I'm an idiot XD

 My mind is going a million miles an hour. I feel really fucking good. And I should probably tell someone eh? :D
I want to run about in the rain. My paranoia is non existant. Maybe I'm better or something.


HAHAAHAHAAAAAA 

I don't even care. It feels amazing and I'm not hruting anyone, I aint going to shag people randomly or act a tit. I just want to feel like this forever because it's so sharp and clear and it feels like I'm burning all over but in a good way you know? Today I just ran about down the beach on the North bay. I loved feeling the waves hitting me in the face like they were cleansing me or something XD. 

I wanna do something. I wanna make things I want to draw with my Mum's new pens but she won;t let me. I don;t care about anything anymore I feel boundless. 


Shit hahahahaha.

woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo SPAMMING. 

 :( I can't go to B's for her birthday *weeps*  I'm coming next week at some point when you'll have me because this has to be fixed!

Been at Jak's the other night. Turned up at his house which is in the middle of nowhere in the country, but I love it because it's so beautiful. His Nanan was there though, with his cousins and Uncle. I made things suspicious because as soon as I arrived, Jak and I ran squealing and hugging up the stairs laughing like idiots. When we came back down his Nanan was all "Has Jak introduced you to his parents?" 

O.0   Oh dear. HAHAHAHA. Poor Jak, with his traditional little Granny who's shocked and appauled by anything vaguely contro. She was dead sweet though, even though she thought I was this new saviour who would be saving Jak from Hell. XD 

Everyone always thinks we're shagging, even his parents get a bit eye brow raisey. It annoyed Jak so much that when his Dad got up to pee one night he made a really loud moany sex noise. And then I did one, and then he did another one because it's incredibly addictive and we were stoned idiots who behave like five year olds when we get together. 

Jak and I were ordered by his brother to sleep downsatirs though because I think we've made him cry too many times in exhaustion when we keep him up all night for years cause we're too loud and clompy. This amused us a bit because they must anticipate my arrival like preparing for a flood XD

Jak's Dad is hilarious. His name is Bob, and even Jak and his brother and sisters call him Bob. He's this very reclusive man who will just suddennly come out with sproadic bursts of communication and then close off for the rest of the time. He told Jak and I to have a suck on some of the bones from the spare ribs. He said so SERIOUSLY with no irony. That's the kind of guy Bob is XD I feel bad because Jak and I imitate him all the time because he's so funny, but again, Jak and go back to being kids when we're together.

We got trashed on a bottle of red wine each then ran outside and pushed each other about the village in this wheelbarrow he's got in his garden cause his dad's been building. I laughed so much I was nearly sick. We must of looked so fucking deranged pushing each other down the road cackling like banshee's. Then Jak went and terrorized some of the church goers at this really beautiful little church near his house by crawling around the grave stones mooing. I can't tell you how this esculated but we did have to shout "OH MY FUCKING GOD, RUUUUUN!" a few times. :D 

The security in High Melton hate Jak and I. They've chased us for years and never once caught us. 

We ran about in some fields, laughed over stupid memories and over stuff that you can only talk about with people that don't go 0.o  because they know you, and they trust you and this is the kind of feeling I want with everyone because it's wonderful. 

I love High Melton, it's rubbish cause it's not got a shop or even an ATM. But it's in the country and it's beautiful all times of the year. I love running through the fields and getting muddy and seeing the bluebells. Because in that place, I feel and have felt more alive then I've ever felt before. And I know that sounds sappy and you're all probably vomiting but  it's true. I've never loved anyone as much as I love Jak and it's not sexual at all it's a bit like having your childhood imaginary friend, only he's real. Yeah he can be a bit rubbish and sometimes I want to kick him up his skinny arse but when I'm sat in his room and we're pissing ourselves over something NO ONE else would laugh at I remember how much he means to me. ARRRGHHSAPPYSOPSHIT! :p

This is how I want ALL of my friendships to be though, <3 Because Jak is also the most difficult person in the world and I can take whatever shit gets thrown at me cause I've been there before and YA'LL CAN TRUST ME OKAY? XD I know I have to earn it obviously. :) 

My arse hurts cause we had to cycle  to the next village to get to a cash machine and it's about three miles away, all up hill on the way back. D: Very funny though. And a bit scary but we did well despite the fuck we were fucked off our heads and laughing at each others panty breath and me yelling back at him "Oh my fucking God, are you proper dying? I am! Why can't you live in Low Melton?" And then laughing hysterically at my own lame joke cause I'm a loser XD.

I'm going to shut the fuck up now cause no one else cares about my life XD

<3

 I banged my shin really hard on the banister and screamed the house down. Not only cause it hurt like a motherbitch but because I keep hurting myself so much recenty it's ridiculous so I had to get some frustration out. Plus my sister created another account for me on Student Finance with a slightly different name and entered my national insurace number on that one, so now it won't accept it on my existing one. ARGH STRESS. I DUNNO WHAT TO DO. 

I know that she was trying to be helpful but it's just caused a whole lot of fuckery I don't need. >_<

I keep having nightmares about sharing rooms with bitches who keep feeding me crack :(

Shin is sore. Head is sore. 

Need Jak to stop being a dick head and give me some love :(

 Scarborough Fair looks like it's still in full swing. The drag queens aren't there any more though. My favourite was the one pushing this Victorian pram screaming, "Has anyone seen my baby?" Whilst this weird rag doll was hanging off the edge of it all limp XD. Stilt people where there though. I always have an urge to push stilt people over. I dunno why, I guess I just think that'd be so horrible and awful-- you kind of want to do it just to see what would happen. I wouldn't though, obvs. 

 

The weather today was weird. It went from sunny to pissing it down, to sunny, to HAIL STONING???, to boiling hot again. Odd. It was a bit like a mini version of the day after tomorrow. The weird weather must have kept people away because it wasn't that busy today. I was stuck downstairs with Ilva though. She stresses me out man. 

 

She gets really high rate over NOTHING AT ALL. This customer complained, about one of his pepperonis on his toastie falling off and she screwed the entire thing in a ball, chucked it in the bin and went "For fucks sake!" all teeth clenchy and made it again. o.0 I had to step in and take over, while the customer got all "Where's the manager?". For once in my life I was on their side.  Even if Darius was in, she wouldn't get told off because they live together and I bet she gives him head to pay rent. You can't do that. Yeah, get a bit sarcastic and act like a bit of a tool if they're utterly horrendous, like that women last week accusing me off putting her meatballs on the sandwich wrong. But there is no need to have a massive tantrum. And then when Gareth came in at four, the pots weren't all done and I offered to do them cause it wasn't busy and left Ilva downstairs, while he ran about trying to get all the prep done before his shift that finishes at half ten at night. Poor guy, he's on his own the entire time too. Dead on five pm she rings us up all "I FINISH NOW, WTF IS GOING ON WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" As if we're up there having a cup of tea or something. I calmly pointed out that I finished at five too and that Gareth needed to get the prep done. 

 

I like Gareth, he randomly lent me a DVD to watch cause he knew I liked Lost but I aint got round to it yet. He comes out with some racism though :/ I know Ilva is annoying but that's down to her individual personality, and she's got a little girl which aint sleeping well a night. It's not really down to her nationality. My Mum works with this really old lesbian couple what don't want her to tell us kids that they are because they think that's innappropriate. My mum got all "Don't tell anyone but.." And I was all "Old news Mum, it's obvious." But fair do's, it's their life. Anyway, we were round their's a month ago and one of them came out with this random comment like "Those people in Romania had the right idea" or something in reference to all the Gypsy's that have been around because we have the Horse fair here. It was vile, and wrong but my Mum has to work with these people and they have influence. She's in local government, she does economic development and can march about in sexy shoes all important XD My step dad is well over on the Left and really intolerant to anything vaguely Daily Mail. So he's refusing to attend the BBQ they're holding on Sunday and my Mum is really upset because she kind of has to go to keep a good rapport. I see his point, I really do but he's refusing to see my Mum's point of view and gets so Holier than Thou about his morals when he can be a total wanker at times. He'll be all annoyed that she's going too and sit in his room and sulk. And he wonders why she went off and had an affair then a mental breakdown? I really do think that intolerance should be challenged but I also think that pride is ridiculous and should be swallowed if you're doing something for someone you love. 

 

Thing is. I think you can't look at people in an entirely black and white way. Which is ironic because as a BPD sufferer I should feel that about everyone but I don't. No one is perfect, some people are a little more odious than others, some people are amazing. Yeah, should you call someone on something you don't agree with? Certainly. Should you do it in every situation? I don't know. Fuckery fucking with my head.

 

URGH Eve disease giving me cramps, off to find hot water bottle and painkillers. Take care all. <3

 

  I don't know if I have the strength to make a massive long post. Journey home knackered me and this lady was sat opposite me with dead, soulless and empty eyes like Troy in HSM. She bashed my foot TWICE with her icky brown shoes. I bet she was a witch. Witches only wear plain comfortable shoes cause they don't have toes. Had a really good time in Chester, but I wish I was less tired and had a bit more money cause I was helped out quite a bit <3. Next time, because hopefully my work will get their shit together. It's probably because of that that I didn't go in today out of spite. But more so because I didn't know when I'd see people again. 

 NO ONE KNOWS WHAT IT'S LIKE, TO BE A SANDWICH GIIIIIIIIRRRRL WITH GHERKINSSSSS FOR PERRRRRFUMMME! D:

Silly mood today cause I'm all excited and juiced up from this headache. I really hope I havn't got Alice's swine flu D:
Yeah Alice from work has Swine flu. Allegedly. Apparantly, there is always something wrong with Alice. But still, I really hope my headache is just hay fever. 

HAHAHAHAA TEAM PARTICIPATION OR TEAM QUARANTINE?

 I CAN COME TO DIE'S PARTY!!!!!!!!! XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD


THAT IS, OF COURSE IF SHE STILL WANTS ME :P

 Going insane need to get out of here. I'm dying of boredom. I have no money cause they won't pay me. I feel like I'm trapped in a weird sea side town.  I need some weed. I need to get totally smashed out of my face but I CAN'T AFFORD TO D: 

I want to go to Die's birthday thing but I dunno if I can cause I have fuck all. :'(

I'm drunk and it's not helping. I'm bored. 

Okay, I know it's totally pathetic. As pathetic as all of my spelling mistakes but I'm so butthurt that the Americans are getting intimate gigs and pictures. Like, we'll never get that. There are too many spaztard fans spoiling it all. I hope at least once I'll get a brief, non awkward conversation and a photo. I might have missed my chance when I ran away from the Hawley cause Fielding was there with his mates and I'm too shy.

>:(

I'll get over it.  I don't even know if I want to meet them. I'd only end up looking a spazz like I did with Sue :D

LE SIGH. 

 I WANT MY FUCKING MONEY FOR THE ENTIRE MONTH PLEASE! NOT JUST FOR THE FIRST WEEK BECAUSE I ALREADY OWE RENT MONEY AND I'M DYING OF BOREDOM I NEED TO ESCAPE FOR AT LEAST A DAY, IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK YOU WANKER?

D:< WHY CAN'T I GET A JOB WHERE I'M NOT FUCKED AROUND FOR AT LEAST ONCE?

AND HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO WILLINGLY PUT UP WITH YOUR BULLSHIT WHEN I'M NOT EVEN GETTING PAID FOR IT?

ARGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
:'(

Vent over.

Do you know I can't believe I ever used to find men attractive. What with all of their stupid insensitiveness, and their fucking pride. Not to mention the awkward sex.  

Seriously, yesterday I came in to work a shift because I'm so knackered I forgot that I wasn't meant to be in. But Amy and Alice where flat out cause the nob ends from the night before had arsed about cause they knew that Dariuas wasn't in so they asked me to stay for a couple of hours. I got told off for that today???????? And he's hired his fucking flat mate who's this dirty little snitch who tells on us all and looks down her nose at me. 

I might starve myself for two week and then take up escorting cause I don't mind selling my soul on my own terms as long as I get a mint out of it.

>:(